The Simpsons Episode g33k: LinuxTag Comes to Springfield III
Previously on LinuxTag Comes to Springfield: Part I and Part II
The following evening at the Simpsons’. The family is watching TV when a newsflash cuts in.
Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, we interrupt Paris in Prison: the Reality Show to bring you this breaking news. LinuxTag received a bomb threat in writing this afternoon. A bomb would be placed at the LinuxTag fair should LinuxTag refuse to revoke Mr. Schaeuble’s patronage. Drastic means or empty threat? Arnie Pie talks to Mr. Schaeuble:
Camera cuts to Arnie in the Sky, together with Schaeuble flying in a helicopter.
Schaeuble: (singing to the tune of Don’t Cha) Doncha wish your Minister was tough like me? Doncha wish your Minister was strict like me? (stops singing) Jawohl, what do I tell you people? Terrorists are here, there, and everywhere! Only by bugging your phones and reading your email can we snuff out these criminals! Please, my dearest American friends, do yourself a favor, do world peace a favor, download and install this Federal Trojan, made in Germany!
Camera cuts to a press conference.
Wiggum: People, people, there’s no need to panic. This case is easy as pie; it’s like, it’s eaten before it’s even baked! We have all the evidence we need from TV last night. Can anyone not see this coming? The only person that bears a serious grudge against LinuxTag is none other than Lisa Simpson. An arrest warrant has been issued and me and the boys will be on our way to arrest her right after this conference and the ensuing refreshments.
Camera cuts to Arnie in the Sky.
Pie: Mr. Minister, are you surprised that the bomb threat comes from an 8-year-old girl?
Schaeuble: I can’t say I am. This is what happens when little girls interfere with politics and mingle with adult affairs instead of playing with Barbies, or helping mom make cookies in the kitchen. What ever happened to family values? Fathers working hard to put food on the table, mothers staying home to make it pleasant for the man to come back to, and children talking only when talked to? I say we put her in jail for 200 years to teach other little girls a lesson.
Pie: I’m sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Minister, but Lisa Simpson is still innocent unless proven otherwise at the trial…
Schaeuble: Blatherskite! At a time like this we can’t afford to let any one of these feminist terrorists get away. Everyone is guilty until proven innocent!
Camera cuts to the Simpsons.
Lisa: I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, they can’t prove anything!
Bart: Wow Lisa, not only did you steal my line, you also just discredited yourself completely.
Marge: My baby is innocent! They can’t just put innocent people behind bars like they do in Guantánamo!
Homer: My sweet and fragile Marge, didn’t you hear what chief Wiggum just said? There’s no need to panic! It’s not like it’s our first time to have a brush with the law. I’ll run away with Lisa and hide ourselves somewhere so clever that we don’t even know where. After LinuxTag finally blows up and things blow over we’ll come straight home. Then you can roast a pig for me to thank me for saving your precious little girl.
Marge: No Homer. I’m taking Lisa this time. I just can’t wait around in the house worrying myself sick like I always do! (grabs Lisa’s hand) Let’s go Lisa!
Homer: But who’s going to take care of the kids!!??
Marge: (grunts, picks up Maggie) Bart, you’re coming with us too…
Homer: Who’s going to take care of me!!!???
Marge: Homer, you’re a grown man! you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.
Homer: How could you possibly know, you’re not a grown man! Do you need someone to wake you up at five in the morning so you can go to the bathroom? Do you need someone to find a clean pair of underwear for you after the shower? Do you need someone to make you steak for breakfast? Aww God, I’ll never live to see the sun…(wailing)
Marge: (sighs, picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Grandpa? Yes, it’s Marge…I was just wondering if you could come over for a few days while I’m gone with the kids…
Grandpa: Run-in with the law eh! TV tells me everything! Are you going to ditch Homer just like his mother did to me!! What is it with you women! Don’t we men work our butts off just so you can throw those extravagant tea parties for your highbrow friends? And now you want me to buy you a new broom?…
Marge hangs up.
Marge: (quickly) Homer, those German guardian angels will take care of you.
Marge takes the kids and runs out of the house. Door shut, car engine, and then screeching tires can be heard in the background.
Homer looks up at the ceiling, dream sequence starts:
3 o’clock in the morning, Homer sleeps alone in bed, snoring loudly. Lots of colorful electrical wires attached to his belly run up the wall through the ceiling into the attic. All of a sudden a growling sound lets out of Homer’s stomach. The signal gets picked up by the wires and travels visually up to the attic where two men, resembling the Stasi characters from the movie The Lives of Others, can be seen. A machine on the table starts making alarming beeps.
Stasi 1: Good God! Homer’s stomach needs input! G.A.Joe, we’ll have to do something before Homer’s stomach sends another S.O.S. signal!
Stasi 2: You couldn’t be more right G.A.Joey Jo Jo. I’m on my way!
Stasi 2 raises his right hand and shoots out of the attic in the Superman fashion. Up in the air, he looks around and points his finger at a nearby cloud. The cloud turns into a roasted pig. Stasi 2 brings back the roasted pig into the attic.
Stasi 2: Look what I got, it’s Homer’s favorite food before breakfast!
Stasi 1: Good job, G.A.Joe! But a good job is not as good as a better job!
Stasi 1 points his finger at the roasted pig, and a turkey appears stuffed in the roasted pig’s mouth.
Stasi 2: That’s indeed a better job, G.A.Joey Jo Jo! But a better job is not as good as the best job!
Stasi 2 points his finger at the roasted pig, and the roasted pig is instantly covered in chocolate and donuts.
Stasi 1: You did it again, G.A.Joe! Now let’s put our delicious dead animal friend next to Homer. Oh I can’t wait to see his face when he wakes up! Yo joe!
The G.I.Joe theme comes up:
“He’ll fight for donuts where ever there’s hunger.
G.A.Joe is there.
It’s G.A.Joe against Flanders the enemy
Fighting to save the day.
He never gives up.
He’s always there,
Fighting for donuts over land and air
G.A.Joe – A real German hero
G.A.Joe is there.”
Homer’s dream sequence ends. Homer looks up, giggles. Looks up again, giggles again.
Camera cuts to Marge and the kids in the car.
Lisa: Mom, where are we going?
Marge: I don’t know just yet, honey, but we’ll get there…
They drive through a road sign that says Welcome to Dogville.
Marge: Hmm Dogville…where have I heard of that place before…
Slowly everything surrounding the car turns into chalk drawings: the street lights, the trees and the houses.
Lisa: Things are getting really creepy around here…(Bart suddenly put a finger in his mouth and sticks it in Lisa’s ear) EEWWW! Mom! Bart just gave me a wet willy!
Marge: Bart, don’t give your fugitive sister the willies.
Bart: I’m a bad boy I’m a bad boy! I’m bad I’m bad! Spank me! Spank me!
Camera cuts to Simpsons’ place. Homer’s drinking a beer watching TV when the the door is kicked in by the police.
Wiggum: OK Simpson, I got no time to play hide and seek. Where is Lisa?
Homer: (formally) Lisa? Who is Lisa? I don’t know anyone by the name of Lisa. I am just a single and available man living in a big house with three bedrooms.
Wiggum: Is that right? Sorry…haha…we’ll just throw ourselves out…wait a minute,.if you live alone in this house, then how do you explain…THIS FAMILY PHOTO? (points at a family photo on the wall)
Homer: That’s not a family photo…it’s..uh…me with the Flintstones.
Wiggum: Oh please accept my apologies then! This is all just a big misunderstanding…wait a minute, if you don’t know Lisa, then how do you explain the fact that Lisa’s last name is also…SIMPSON!
Homer: (breaks down) OH I LIED! Everything was just a big fat lie! Please don’t take my little girl away, she’s innocent! she couldn’t have written that letter, she’s only 8 years old; 8-year-olds can’t read and write!!
Wiggum: (pondering, scratching his head) hm, you have a point there…(produces the letter from his pocket) wait a minute, this letter is not WRITTEN, it’s TYPED!
Homer: (gasps) Lisa! How could you!
Back to Dogville where everything is chalk-drawn again. Marge and the kids are sitting by a campfire. Melancholie music in the background, Maggie sucks on the pacifier rhythmically.
Marge: I wonder if the police is at our house right now…
Marge’s dream sequence:
Homer: Nobody touches my baby girl!
Homer picks Wiggum up and swirls him around, turning him into a tornado that sweeps through the house. When the tornado spins out of the house, the house is shiny and clean.
The sound of Maggie’s sucking on the pacifier pulls Marge back to reality.
Marge: Ahh…
Maggie’s pacifier sucking suddenly intensifies.
Lisa: Too bad Maggie still can’t talk. After some 18 years this has gotta be the cleverest baby in world history…no, I am the cleverest baby in world history. C’mon Lisa, think, who would have a motive in threatening LinuxTag?
Maggie: (sucking on her pacifier) …. ._ _. … __ ___ ._.. . __ ._ _.
Bart: That monkey dude on last night’s show looks very suspicious to me.
Maggie: …. ._ _. … __ ___ ._.. . __ ._ _.
Marge: Do you think Apu might happen to have anything to do with this? He was quite upset the other day when Agnes went to the Kwik-E-Mart and demanded for a refund on Linux washing power she’s been buying for the last 10 years because Linux should be free…
Maggie: …. ._ _. … __ ___ ._.. . __ ._ _.
Lisa: (suddenly realizes) Hey, I think Maggie is trying to tell us something!
Maggie: …. ._ _. … __ ___ ._.. . __ ._ _.
Lisa: H…A…N…S…M…O…L…E…M…A…N. God it’s Hans Moleman!
Bart: What? She didn’t say a word! We’re in Dogville, Lisa, not the Twilight Zone!
Lisa: It’s called the Morse Code, Bart! We’ve got to go to the police quick!
Camera cuts to Hans Moleman’s house. There’s a crowd of reporters taking photos as Lou takes Hans Moleman away.
Moleman: I’m so tired of always having some kind of freaky accident or being punished for random crimes I didn’t commit just because people think it’s funny or the writer didn’t know how to end their stories…
Camera cuts to Homer laughing hysterically, almost breathless.
Homer: HA HA HA HA…BOMB THREAT…HAHAHA…FROM THAT WRINKLY LITTLE DUDE…HA HA HA
Marge: I’m so relieved it’s not Apu!
Lisa: (kisses Maggie) Maggie, you are a true guardian angel; you saved the Simpsons once again! But how do you know it’s Hans Moleman??
Maggie: .. .-. . .- -.. .. - — -. -.-. .-. -.– .–. - .. -.-. -.-. .-.. .- .-. .. - -.– -.. — - -.-. — –
THE END
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