The Simpsons Episode g33k: LinuxTag Comes to Springsfield Part I
At the Springfield Elementary.
Krabappel: OK class, can someone tell me what Linux is? Yes Ralph.
Ralph: You use it to blow yellow liquid out of your nose and block red liquid from coming out of your nose.
Bart: Don’t you mean “Kleenix”, Ms. “Rabappel”?
Class giggles.
Krabappel: Shut up Bart. Yes, Milhouse?
Milhouse: I saw it on the laptop of my dad’s divorce lawyer once: it’s some sorta penguin that likes to eat kernels of the Debian plant.
Krabappel: Milhouse! Why didn’t you tell me your dad’s getting a divorce! I want your father to call me after 10 o’clock tonight so we can discuss your academic dishonesty problem. As for the rest of the class, watch and learn!
Krabappel dims the room and puts a VHS in the VCR.
McClure: Hi! I’m Troy McClure, you may remember me from educational films such as Amoeba: What You Don’t Know Might Not Kill You and memorable blockbusters such as Snakes on the Rollercoaster. In the next 20 minutes we’ll be learning about this revolutionary operating system called Linux.
Jimmy:Where does Linux come from?
McClure: Good question, Jimmy! Legend has it that Linus Torvalds, a Computer Science student from a very far away and magical Kingdom called “Finland” went to the zoo one day after being thrown out of class by Professor Tanenbaum for drinking Duff in class. Linus wandered around aimlessly petting each and every animal when all of a sudden a penguin walked up to him and asked Linus to share his Duff. As the generous Linus handed the penguin the beer can, our jolly fat bird bit Linus in the hand! Anyone who’ve seen the movie “Cockroach-Man” knows what would happen next. Much to Linus’ disappointment, he didn’t turn into Penguin-Man with abilities to catch fish with his mouth or tap dance, but Linus did become uberintelligent! He has been playing with the UNIX system for some time and decided to put LINUS into the 26th line of the UNIX code as an experiment. Guess what happened when he hit the enter key? KABOOM! Although Linus’ computer exploded and destroyed his laboratory, Linux as we know it was born. Since Linux costs nothing to make, Linus makes it free for everyone to use too. So kids, let’s show our appreciation and give our applause to the Penguin!” THE END
School bell rings, kids rush out of the classroom.
Camera cuts to the Simpsons’ living room. The family is watching the evening news.
Brockman: Exciting news for the people of Springfield. LinuxTag, a.k.a. Linux Day, is coming to our town all the way from Germany, the country that inspired the blockbuster hit, Beerfest, and gave us one of the finest singers of our generation, David Hasselhoff. What is LinuxTag? It’s a fair for everyone to get acquainted with Linux and free software. Every Saturday night these dateless wonders stay home with their faithful computers to channel their sexual frustration all into producing useful software for the mankind, and for free. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right: free, mostly as in free beer, or sometimes as in free love. Is this a hippie revival? What kind of impact will free software on our free economy? This reporter is intrigued, and all you freeloaders, leeches and cheap skates are invited to check LinuxTag out and get some.
Lisa: This is even better than the Olympics for Springfield! Imagine, free operating systems on every computer, no more crappy windows, no more Bill Gates, no more monkey boy…free as in freedom! Free in every sense of the word!
Homer: Hmmmm…free beer and free love…
Homer’s day dream sequence
Beer can 1: Let’s make love!
Beer can 2: But we’re not married!
Beer can 1: We can’t get married! We’re beer cans!
Marge: Well I use the Linux washing powder and it definitely ain’t free!
Camera cuts to Montgomery Burns’ mansion.
Burns: Voluntarily working overtime and for free eh? Smithers, I want every one of these damn fools to work in my plant!
Smithers: Sir, I’m afraid it’s not quite so easy…these free thinkers work whenever and on whichever projects they please…to recruit them you’ll have to befriend them first.
Burns: How do I make friends with these looney flower brats! I only want their hard labor and their loyalty for free!
Smithers: Sir, you might want to considering sponsoring LinuxTag. It’s good publicity, and they would welcome any kind of financial support. You can endear yourself to the Linux community, and once you are a friend, they’re all yours.
Burns: So it all comes down to money eh! Excellent! Yes, I will give money to those crazy Krauts…who knows, next year I just might be building a nuclear power plant in Old Europe…ha ha ha…HA HA HA HA…
Next morning at the Simpsons’ breakfast table.
Homer: (reading the newspaper)…free beer at LinuxTag, courtesy of Moe’s? WOOHOO!! (throws down the newspaper) Everyone, the Simpsons are going to LinuxTag! (there’s a small print that reads: free as the spirit, but not the price.)
Lisa: (picks up the newspaper, reading)…LinuxTag is proudly sponsored by Moe’s Tavern and Burn’s foundation. This year’s event also runs under the auspices of the well respected German Minister of Interior, Mr. Wolfgang Schaeuble.(gasps) Wolfgang Schaeuble of all people! What does he want from the Linux community and why in the world is LinuxTag associating itself with such a despicable character!
Marge: Lisa, this guy is a Minister, he’s working for the government. I don’t think anyone working for the government can be of shady characters. The voters aren’t stupid, you know. I don’t know about those folks in Germany, but American people are very well informed.
Bart: Yeah Liz, what do you know about foreign politics? All we see on Fox News is balls and lies, how can any typical Fox News watching American have an unbiased and knowledgeable opinion on anything? Hell I’m surprised I even know Germany is the capital of Europe!
Lisa: Schaeuble is a right-winger who tries to push through an amendment of the German Constitution so he could secretly install “Federal Trojans” on computers of citizens under suspicion without their knowledge. He’s also in favor of legitimizing confessions extracted under torture as admissible evidence, just to name some of his abhorrent political views. Everything he believes in is an affront to human right and the spirit of freedom. I’ve got to write to LinuxTag and ask them to rethink about Schaeuble’s patronage! (runs upstairs)
Marge: (sighs) you know, I’ve always tried to be supportive of Lisa’s political activism, but I’m not sure getting involved in foreign politics is such a good idea…
Homer: Marge, this is what I like most about you: your unfaltering patriotism!
Marge: Homer this has nothing to do with patriotism! I’m just worried about our little girl. If she’s right about this German Minister, he sounds like a pretty malicious and dangerous person…
Homer: Don’t you ever learn anything from the movies Marge?! The German government always sends balding and masculine guardian angels called “Shdazi” to protect the good guys! They live in your attics secretly watching your every move to protect you from the bad guys. These lovely shy creatures only reveal themselves when your wife is cheating on you, or when they want to borrow your typewriter! However…(pondering) one of these guardian angle was too busy looking for the borrowed typewriter to watch over that bohemian woman and she got hit by a car!!…HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN! (sobbing noisily) YOU GIVE SHDAZI A BAD NAME! (more wailing)
To be continued…
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